Envy Man Magazine Online

by: christophermccombs

Dating. What a sloppy, potentially disastrous concept. Two people who don’t know each other   fling themselves together in a public place desperately trying to find some degree of common ground so they can justify consummating their carnal lust for each other.

Alright, so that’s my slightly out of kilter and jaded vantage of dating. Ask anyone what they think of dating and I guarantee you this: You will not get the same answer. If you do get the same answer from two people, introduce them. They should be dating.

The concept of dating started in the early 1800’s with the original settlers trying to populate the land. They used arranged marriages. In the mid 1800’s, the idea of romance was just beginning to come into existence, and with the notion of romance came the notion of Victorian head games. By the 1900’s, dating was in full swing. The whole purpose of dating was to impress your date’s family with expensive outings. How things have changed...

In my life alone, with the continual evolution and increased accessibility of the Internet, dating has changed drastically. You no longer have to leave your house to meet people: chat rooms, dating web pages, and match-making services are ubiquitous. As I’m writing this I’m logged into MySpace! Don’t forget about the nightclubs, coffee houses, speed-dating clubs, singles events, and for those of us that are really desperate, the gym.

Dating has become something we obsess about. We are no longer looking to survive, but browsing for entertainment. Some of the concepts still exist after all these years, but so many have changed. Dating has twisted itself into a snarled rope, a creature so confusing only the bravest men are able to navigate it.

Realizing that my perspective as a 26-year-old is rather limited, I decided to ask five men, each from a different age group, about their experiences with dating and marriage. I asked each one the same set of questions. The resulting answers provide an interesting spectrum of opinions on dating from the vantage point of the modern-day male. Enjoy!

The Teenage years: Out of the frying pan

“High school was so easy,” Dan, a 19-year-old college student says.  “Girls were more broken up and weren’t so sure of themselves. Once they get to college, they get this big self-esteem boost.”

Dan describes dating in college to be more like a battlefield than anything else. “It is literally like that saying, ‘Out of the frying pan, into the fire.’ High school was just a frying pan, a movie, a football game. Women in college want more. They are the fire... commitment, responsibility—an actual relationship.”

Not to say college campuses don’t have their advantages. “You get to party every once in a while where there’s easy game, but for the most part, just like the guys, girls know more of what they want.  A nineteen-year-old sophomore usually isn’t it.”

“Guys used to be able to pick up a chick, have sex with her, and never call again. Now women play the guy that way if he’s not careful.”

Dan also talks about the “no women allowed” clubs that are starting to form to give guys a break. “A lot of guys play online games in big groups. Girls usually don’t want to play, which gives us a break and a chance to talk shit. I’ve never seen a girl at one of these parties, and I’m happy about that.”

So when exactly did Dan first have sex? He isn’t saying... but he will say this: “Do not have sex until you are in love. The last thing you need is some kind of... obligation ruining your life.”

“It’s still easy as hell to find sex... condoms are all over the place on campus. But if you bag the wrong lady, YOUR life is over. All there is to it.”

The 20’s: It sounded like fun

To David, 27, dating a bisexual girl sounded like the opportunity of a lifetime. “The possibilities seemed endless,” he recalled with a cocky grin. “I’m sure you can use your imagination and figure out why.” David worked as a barback at a gay club, and met his future girlfriend one night on the job.  They hit it off really well, and she actually asked him out on a date.

“I had never had a girl approach me like that before. I wasn’t used to a woman being so forward.  When we went on the date, she even paid. It was great!”

Things between David and his girlfriend were amazing until four months in. His girlfriend had been spending a lot of time on the Internet, and she had met another woman that she was very interested in.

“It was hard enough having a girlfriend who was checking out women just as much as I was, but to constantly have to watch my back on the computer too . . . it was making me paranoid.”

No matter what he wanted, his girlfriend wouldn’t stop sleeping with women. She made it very clear that David wasn’t invited to be a part of her fun either.

“If it was something that I could have shared with her, I don’t think I would have minded as much. She had this separate part of her life that I couldn’t be a part of. I didn’t know how to take that.”

Eventually, shortly before David proposed, his would-be fiancé left him for a woman.

“I didn’t know how to take it. All I could say was, ‘this was a risk I knew I was taking.’ It just didn’t work out for me.”

Would he advise another guy to give dating a bisexual girl a try?

“No. I could not think of anything more complicated or painful that I have ever experienced in my life. This includes kidney stones.”

The 30’s: The best of both worlds

Eric grew up in a very small town, and had an extremely religious upbringing. He was taught not to ask questions about sex, and had no idea what he was doing the first time. He was 19, and sex definitely wasn’t everything he thought it was going to be.

“Honestly, I felt like I was missing out on something. She was beautiful, and I was totally in love with her . . . but something wasn’t right for me.”

Eric eventually married his then girlfriend, and began touring with a show as a dancer. While on the road and separated from his wife, Eric met a man named Gary, and began to feel really confused.

“Gary and I were friends, but I felt like there was something more there. I started to feel the same way for him as I felt for my wife. If you are raised the way I was, this was a pretty miserable and shocking thing.”

One night he and Gary got a little too drunk, and the next thing Eric knew, the two of them had sex.

“I hadn’t even considered the possibility that I was gay. To be honest, I couldn’t figure out what the hell I was. I still loved my wife. I didn’t know what to do.”

When the show’s tour ended, Eric returned home to his wife without Gary. He tried to return back to his normal life, but he couldn’t do it. One night, after a particularly explosive fight, Eric came clean about the entire affair.

The outcome?

“My wife wasn’t mad. She told me she had always wanted to experiment with two men in bed, and was interested in trying out a swingers’ club. We married really young, and were both virgins when we had sex.”

For Eric, this was a blessing in disguise. The marriage had dissolved into nothing, but previous screaming matches were now filled with open dialogue and adventure.   

“We keep things open now, but we also keep things very real. We talk to each other about everything, and we keep each other in mind with every decision. We go out together, and we’ll get online and look for other couples together.”

Eric’s advice? “Always be yourself to the best of your abilities. Interpret that how you want.”

The 40’s: Hardened Veteran

James went on his first official date when he was 17 years old. This may not seem out of the ordinary for us, but keep in mind this first date was 30 years ago. For a gay man to go on a date with another man in Texas was a pretty big deal to him.

“Things have changed so much since then. There seems to be so much more at stake. Some people are looking for a lifetime commitment after the first date and want to make moving plans.”

These days, James definitely appreciates how easy it is to meet people.

“Gay clubs weren’t always as nice and clean as they are today. When I first started going out, gay was a word you whispered, and guys were so desperate for affection that they literally mauled each other in the clubs. Things have gotten a lot better.”

James also notes that the addition of the Internet is serving a positive purpose. Gay men who don’t have the opportunity to get out to the club because there aren’t any in their city can log online and still feel connected.

“Nobody needs to be alone any more. People from all over the world are connecting. When you’re my age and you’re looking at it from a much broader perspective, you don’t take it for granted.  It’s . . . amazing.”

His dating strategy? The tried and true dinner and a movie. James loves to take out a younger guy, early 20’s, and show him what it really is to be romanced and taken care of for an evening.

“I will say this: Nothing is more annoying than a cell phone ringing in the middle of a date and your date says, ‘Hold on. Let me get this.’ I’m so glad we didn’t have cell phones or PDA’s when I was a teenager.”

The 50’s: Reformed Cheater

David, 59, dated his first girlfriend for seven years. While in college he began to date a second woman, and wound up marrying her.     

Never really having a chance to experiment, David began having an affair with his secretary.  Well, his secretary and several other people.

“I don’t really know why I did it, but I did. I did it a lot. I regret what I did to my family, but it is what it is. I rushed into things, and tried to deal with the situation. Looking back I see I was trying NOT to deal with the situation.”

After his first wife finally left him, David spent a large time playing the field. Dating was almost a routine for him.

“I never went out looking for people, but I always stay open to meeting a woman. I always kept the date short and sweet. I really wasn’t interested in the conversation if you know what I mean. Make them feel appreciated, but keep in mind what you’re after.”

Karma gave David a swift kick in the ass when his second wife married him solely with the intention of divorcing him for a large settlement. David quickly saw through her schemes and divorced her, but it left his heart very raw.

“I am not saying I got what I deserved, but I hurt some people. Nobody wins when you have an affair. Your wife, the other woman... yourself. No one wins.”

Years later, David finds himself dating a new woman that has just as much money as he does and just as much of a sordid past. Does David have any apprehensions?

“I am looking forward to marriage again. This one feels right.”

Looking back at his almost 40 years worth of dating experience, David’s best piece of advice?  “Be honest about who you are. Be honest about what you want out of people. The more you know about yourself, the better a relationship can go.”

Through these interviews and opinions I have composed, I think the best collective feeling is truly the word “honesty.” Honesty? I don’t know about you guys, but it sounds like a pretty revolutionary concept to me.

Keeping a grasp on being up-front with your thoughts, feelings, and expectations in the presence of a potential partner allows your communication skills to be kicked up a notch and saves you from a possible headache—or heartache.

{EM}